Bittersweet

Valentines day has always been a bittersweet day for me.

 My mom was always my valentines date. She would surprise us at school with lunch, flowers or a teddy bear and or food.

BUT then came Ruben

Ruben was my first real boyfriend (now husband) and our first Valentines was a movie date. After that my cousin had his birthday party. We always celebrated his birthday over Valentines day and my only rule… I couldn’t bring Ruben. So after the movie I dropped Ruben off and went to my cousins birthday.

He looked at me drunk and in shock. Where is Ruben?

I said…. you said I couldn’t bring him… so I didn’t.

He laughed, hugged me and said he was kidding… It was too late now… Ruben was home. So we partied on.

He never got to meet him, we often would talk about Ruben and he would give me advise and I have a very vivid memory –  a few months prior we were at a picnic. He wanted to walk me to the restroom. As we walked we started talking about love. I remember telling him… “What ever, I know you guys are all about hitting it and quit-ing it.” He stared me in the eyes and said, not when your in love. We had a nice walk as he told me about this girl he loved and started lecturing me about sex. Something made me feel like he knew. He knew I had slept with Ruben even though I never told him. But how could he know? He was like my bigger brother so I was not about to tell him what I have done.

3 Months later…. He died.

and Valentines would never be the same.

I told Ruben.

We will never be those people who go all out on Valentines day.

You are off the hook!

Years passed and Valentines day got easier although we still didn’t make a big deal about it.

2 months ago I found out I was pregnant.

It was a scary yet exciting feeling that I had to keep a secret.

for 12 long weeks!

Valentines will be my reveal date! I’ll post some cute pic or something creative!!!

then I lost it.

today has been a hard one

last night I couldn’t sleep.

I tossed and turned,

pissed that I couldn’t sleep. But why!?

Then I remembered consciously what tomorrow would have been

and that was it, goodbye sleep!

 I broke down.

you know… those ugly tears, moan and cry.

(A Kim kardasion cry)

I am a mess

It didn’t end at 2am. They’ve lingered all day.

Thank God i’m locked up in an office by myself.

Ruben and I planned on staying in.

Pizza, wine and a movie?

Sounds perfect!

BUT THEN

My Mom e-mails me and is expecting us to do Valentines at her house.

I can not deny the invite

She said. Pizza, Nuggets, Wine and Netflix

FOR FREE

Only a crazy person would turn that down!

PLUS

any distraction is a great distraction.

We just left my moms.

Pizza, nuggets and Netflix as promised.

Part of me wishes it was just Ruben and I spending the day together but I’m glad I was able to laugh and play fight with my family. It was great to distract myself.

Almost forgot to say I got gifts 🙂

A perfume from my parents and a necklace from my hubby ☺️

Ending the day on a good note.

 Well, bittersweet I guess.

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